fagged and fashed

bitters and soda water, she was someone’s sister, mother or daughter

go on and build your wall, i’ll just help to build the ladder 

is it the former or the latter? she’s eating a falafel platter 

as i’m trying not to retch at this table set for three

years ago there is a sad and terrible story to be told

33 years old as of two days ago 

ain’t it a wonder how time can move both fast and slow? 

if you were here i’d dress up in high heels and put on a show

dumb and silly but funny enough to make you laugh that 

wild and wondrous laugh full of beauty and a bit of insecurity 

going through security at jfk i realize i forgot to take out my pocket knife

and razor blade

i’m pulled aside and frisked down as they ask me my name

which doesn’t help

sariya in arabic means a cloudy evening or a realist, iman means faith

and okoye is just a nigerian surname who’s meaning i’ve never known

what it’s like to be an outcast but i used to listen to ‘hey ya’ and dance

with sagging pants that were skinny nonetheless 

i guess i’ve always been into skinny jeans since my teens 

i recall playing bass and singing in a punk band ‘the horrorshow droogs’ 

based on anthony burgess’ language from ‘a clockwork orange’

it meant ‘good friends’ 

with my eyeliner on i’d sing songs 

that now in my old age i mostly forget 

except something with a chorus that went ‘dynamite, dynamite, i’ll blow your mind’ 

and the intro to ‘fagged and fashed’ (also based on burgess’s made up language) 

that went ‘shoot it up and take it off, hurry up i’m taking off, sniff it up, then pop it down, 

before we begin please turn around’ 

and around my head goes 

but not in circles

in figure eights

so my thoughts create a deranged loop that goes on until infinity 

…i suppose you are living proof that i have an affinity for neurotic women

who are about a perfect ten

but just can’t see it

isn’t 

fate

i know

you said you needed space and i violated your wishes

now as i take out the trash and wash the dishes 

i realize, like a mini epiphany, that space frightens me

and lack of closure is terrifying 

either way, i hope you are living your best life sans me