forsaken/rose gardens are for the weak hearted

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every day, several times a day, i think of you with calculated
and categorical fits of rage and hate

i'd like to break your face, i'd like to take every tube of toothpaste
and squeeze it until it's a mangled mess, i'd like to run through
your apartment or house flipping the toilet seat up repeatedly
so you sit down on it with bare flesh and feel a cold shock
that culminates in your empty chest

i'd like to make stains on every dress you own and every single blouse

i want to make your telephone ring over and over again until you answer

but there will never be anybody there just an empty line

each and every time i see your face behind my eyes, inside my mind-
which happens in multiples of five at least twenty times every day-
i want to scream at you and say 'hell would not be a bad enough place
for you to go to- i wish you worse than that- i wish that you would
forever stay on earth, a human, living your soulless mundane
existence over and over again for an infinite amount of moments'

then i sigh a great big sigh, i try to fake it but eventually i break down,
my scowl crumbles into a frown and i cry

'why oh why oh why won't you requite?'

then i tell myself, at least i have my health,
and it's a wonderful life

right? \\\\


(i melt under the heat of the memory of the best feeling i've ever felt-
i emerge covered

in slime, grime from my crime and doubt ominous enough to crush
the most monstrous mansion built on top of the most gigantic
mountain,

i remember i am an old, dilapidated, wooden
house full of termites, asbestos,
mold, and a tarnished moral code...

i take to my knees swallowing the keys
to both my front and back doors, i bolt

up all the windows, i don't want out anymore- then i set fire
to the opposite of an empire- maybe nobody
knows exactly how long it took to build rome
but i now have knowledge

of exactly how much time it took to demolish it)

you are forgiven

yet

i remain forsaken

but at least no longer in pain anymore