bible or blood from my mouth

Angst in German is Angst-

Second place isn’t second place,
It marks the place of the first
Loser

I was certain of being unsure

I felt wholly futile like a plastic child full
Of holes

I kept avoiding using the toilet or fucking for fear that when
I pulled down my pants my undergarments would be
Painted on to my body like a Barbie doll

Or something-

I fell. I felt like falling so I ran blindfolded after spinning
In circles while counting to twenty-three. I fell. I fall

Against the wall poetically
Like autumn leaves
Of green

Transforming into yellow, orange, and brown
Landing on the ground

On my knees- thinking aloud ‘if you’re gonna do a bad job
You may as well do it well’ then spitting
Blood from my mouth

I wonder what people ‘do for fun’ in hell-

I can’t even begin to pretend
A smile

Still feeling futile. Where the hell is my Bible?