state of confusion

I most definitely have a personality disorder: the combination of my "defining" characteristics or qualities are in a great, grave state of confusion; they are not arranged neatly or systematically. These traits that are supposed to be defining lack definition; they have no precise position or exact location. The idea of something, especially a person, is often better than the actuality- however, unfortunately, you cannot have sex or share a bed with an idea. I want to redeem myself but I have gone so far that I don’t know how. You once read or heard that drinking alone is the first sure sign of alcoholism, therefore you make certain to always drink in the company of friends at best (ideally) or strangers at worst (more frequently). I want to redeem myself. I need to restore my health, only thing is: I've gone so far now that I don't know how; I am so used to being perpetually sick that I fear being healthy would be such an abnormality to my body that I would be thrown into an acute state of confusion bordering on insanity. Often times he spends too much time staring into the despairing reflection of his own vanity. She does not own a telephone but there is a constant ringing persistently piercing her periphery. We are utterly alone and despicably lonely; in order to feel and seem less crazy we talk to ourselves aloud, loudly. Incessantly.