my hands are chained

sometimes i wish i
were brave enough
to call my own bluff-

sometimes, like right now, i wish i could just run outside
into the middle of a crowd of people, on a busy street,
take to my knees and scream: "god, help me! please
save me! please love me!" whilst crying,

and, if someone were to step forth and wipe my tears or simply
take my hand, then i would marry that person- i would forever
be in debt to that woman or man that grabbed my hand-

but, alas, i fear that if i did do it- if i did cry in the middle
of a crowd bearing all, becoming a skeleton directly before
them- that nobody would come to my aid, that they'd all
just laugh and turn their backs...

sometimes- like right now, at this exact moment- i wish i could
look straight into your eyes and confess: "i love you so much, i
don't mean to be mean, i'm really not even tough, i fear i'm not
good enough- that i'll never ever be good enough- and that is
why i lie, that is why i yell and throw things instead of smiling
and crying, but look at me? look at these eyes, how could i be
bad, i'm not really bad!"

no, no, no...this is all wrong. i can't explain; suffice to say there is
a feeling like running away boiling between the blood and love in
my veins- i have hunger pains, i want to love everyone
and everything

but every time i do it hurts so much i inevitably begin to hate. i cannot
touch it. my hands are chained.

i.

the only thing you have to prove is that you have nothing to prove- every single time i open my mouth to speak i tell a lie; it's true: i'm lying.

ii.

uh, there's this feeling inside of me like a heat or a sickeningly strong energy- i think maybe it is love, or at least the anxiety of loving- yet it's strange and disconcerting that my natural instinct is to run headfirst and as fast as i can into a wall with my head, or to break something to pieces with my fists- is love always this violent? i can't imagine filtering this feeling into a gentle kiss...

iii.

if i could i would most definitely take off all of my clothing then proceed to mount the tallest building and scream through a megaphone- or better yet project my image across this galaxy's sky, its ceiling- and say sincerely: "love me! that's all i want or need."

iv.

i am madly in love with someone i haven't met (yet).

v.

i am the little engine that couldn't.