like.is.not.love

Get home, say hi to family, go to room. Play music, think about love- broken hearts, tears, laughs, warmth- sing out loud. Start feeling lonely/angry- no hot water in shower, sold out concert, no ticket, missed bus, failed test- with nobody to hold, nobody to console me. Mother is yelling, towards me, words I can't understand except that they are irritating- mosquito bites, petty conversations, Carson Daily, in fact all of MTV, Tele-Marketers, prank calls- and they hurt my ears. She's driving me nuts; she's dying inside- go to work, come home, cook dinner, pay bills- her life's mundane. I feel so sorry for her, I cry when I think about all the pain- finger slammed in car door, hitting the reef, pulled teeth- I've caused her. Loud knocks on door, "Come to dinner, now!" Eat food, drink drinks, smile, laugh at dumb jokes/tell dumb jokes. Get up, leave table feeling bored- lectures in Spanish/Math/Science/History class- out of my mind. I try to sleep but the nightmares keep coming- adrenaline rushing to my brain, kicking/punching the air, shouts and screams that nobody can hear, can't move a muscle, breathe come on breathe, trying to wake up, trying to wake up, trying to wake up, wake up!- I wake up shivering, soaked in sweat. I start going at myself to change the subject, it feels nice- starry nights, home cooked meals, the insides of her thighs, lightening, sunlight reflecting off the ocean, packed lunches- finish, zip fly on pants. Feeling lonely once again, give friend a ring- she's an angel, beauty is her, she is beauty- she's out, answering machine plays, hang up phone, once again all alone. Ears start to get warm, I feel- crush holding someone else's hand/kissing in backseat of expensive car- jealous. I want somebody to love me, I wanna feel happy- new underwear, orgasm, good phone conversation, long hugs, goodnight stories- again. Shed tears [cause there's nothing else to do] wish that somebody loved me; like is not love.